No, I don’t want to tell you...

How I drove over 5k miles to interview my family, then came home and didn’t touch any of it for months? Yeah. No fun.

Nor do I want to tell you how I’ve been in this total doubt blunder for a few months. Wondering once again, if I’m too damn old for this shhhhtuff, or not educated enough, or have enough money and energy?!

Have you ever doubted yourself out of following through and showing up for an important heartfelt project? Yeah? Then you get it. You know how easy it is to talk yourself out of doing it.

“It’s not like it’s gonna change the world,” my mind loves to chide. “I mean, who’s gonna notice? What does it even matter?”

Sound familiar? You’re not alone, my friend. I'm a lot of things but without ‘doubt’? Not at all.

Yep! At least I know I’m on the right track, eh?

Here’s what I didn’t understand about doubt or resistance. It’s not only about me. It’s about you too. Ultimately, it’s about trust. Trusting that the people who care are going to understand when you bounce off a creative wall and crumble to the ground.

For this, my wild-hearted friend, I am sorry for not trusting you to be kind to my vulnerability.

Let’s make a new start, shall we?!

2020 here we come! With our hearts totally open to new and exciting challenges and adventures!!!!

So, HERE WE GO!

Let’s talk about why I came home from my podcast trip and fell flat on the couch.

There are lots of obvious reasons you may imagine. The biggest one took me by surprise.

I thought my accident, which caused my paralysis, was the epicenter of our family’s collective trauma. I also thought it was essential to start there to give some back story for the resilience of my family.

So we dove in! I asked everyone about the accident and much more.

What do you do when you find out that the story you’re building, the one you built your whole life on, isn’t the story at all?

I discovered that my accident was not the story. It's not the epicenter. Well, yes. For me, cause it's affected my whole life. But the accident is a result of some deeper unconscious pain that runs through my family story.

I came home wondering how the hell I was gonna tell about that? And could I? Now the complexity of the project felt miles above my head. I needed Elizabeth Gilbert, Ira Glass, Oprah Winfrey, and Joseph Campbell to bang out this project.

Schnitzel fracking split pricks!!

What was I gonna do?!?!

All at once this project felt like an anvil dragging around behind my chair. It drained me of energy and inspiration. I’d roll it around and around in my mind trying to come up with different angles to look at the story. Was the plot about my accident? Or women’s strength (considering three-fourths of us are women)? Or was it about growing up with a disability? I didn’t know anymore. And each time I tried, I kept bumping up against this wall. How was I gonna keep this story authentic without dragging out a bunch of dirty laundry?

Then, because I couldn’t untangle the web, I began to doubt myself. “I’m not a real writer. I’m not even a good storyteller. Why am I doing this anyway? I just wanna go skiing! I’m not cut out for this.”

Folks, I’ve been to this exact place before when I decided to become a ski-racer back in 1999. Boy, I had no clue what the heck I was doing then! I was naive and kept on going! I had a lot of those same doubts and feelings. And I’ve learned that when I get to the point of total depression and disappointment, there’s only one way to get out of it.

LET IT GO.

The difference now is I’m much kinder to myself then I was at 19.

I said to myself, “it’s okay, Lace. You don’t have to do this. You don’t need to take this on. It’s okay to let go.”

So I went back to art, finding comfort in creating in different ways. Like making Christmas presents, singing songs, and writing other stuff.

Then one night, Benjamin (that’s my husband) and I were discussing life stuff. Ben mentioned something about the podcast, and I burst into tears. All my doubts, resistance, fear about the project, and everything poured out.

Here’s the part where I’m a pretty damn lucky gal, cause Ben hugged me and said the same things I said to myself, “it’s okay, honey. You don’t have to do this. It wasn’t a waste (cause I had said it was). It was exactly what you needed to do.”

I cried more. Then Ben said, “Lace, you started this project to bring joy to people. To share love and lightness after all the heavy shit you went through. Maybe the problem isn’t the story at all. Perhaps it’s cause it’s your heavy past, and that’s not the direction you’re headed! What if you made it light and fun? What would that look like?”

Wow! I was blown away! Ben is one hell-of-a therapist! And I’ll tell ya... when the chips are down, Benjamin shines. I’m super grateful for my fella.

Ben’s idea of ‘making it light and fun’ changed my perspective and gave me a different angle to look at the project.

Does the podcast need to be so straight forward? How can I convey the depth of these souls and still keep it light?

Then it hit me! Laughter! One of the things that show my family’s resilience is our ability to laugh about anything!! You can only feel sorry for yourself for so long. Then someone's gonna make a joke about your kidney's being on vacation! I grew up thinking that every family made fun of serious stuff. We’ve laughed about being poor, having babies, and divorce! And those are the mild topics! Laughter is one of our medicines. We love to laugh!

We may be all fuzz-knuckled as individuals, but together we laugh. And we cry. And this is what’s missing from all my interview recordings... all of us laughing and telling stories together.

You know what that means! This time I’m flying!!!

My podcast will happen. It may take a little more time to learn how to thread it all together and make it into an art form I’m proud of, and you’ll love!!

In the meantime, I’ve got a BIG surprise coming very soon, and I can’t WAIT to give it a ride! Any guess what it could be?

Doubt Your Project? Then This One's For You!